The Talk That Never Happened
by pupeez4eva
Summary: England and France attempt to give Canada and America the talk - 'attempt' being the key word.


It was a bright and sunny afternoon when America curiously asked England, "you know that sex thing France is always talking about? I was just wondering...do you _really _have to take your clothes off to do it?"

After much horrified contemplation England decided - mostly against his will, as France had come up with the idea after England had made the mistake of mentioning it to him -that it was high time that America received the talk. Of course, that other fellow...what was his name again? Oh yes, Canada. Well, he'd need to learn as well.

...

Canada and America both stared at France and England, watching as the former stared at them gleefully, and as the latter looked as if he wanted to sink through the floor.

"Ahh..." England coughed, looking awkward. "America...Canada...I, er...well...oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this to you but -"

America and Canada exchanged glances.

"Yes well...I...err..." With shaky hands, England reached out and grasped the glass of water on the table in front of him. He took a large gulp before setting it back down.

"I just wanted to say," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "That...is it just me or is it hot in here?"

He tugged on his collar, nervously.

"Oh Angleterre," France sighed, shaking his head and looking amused.

"Shut up, Frog!" England snapped, shooting him a glare. "This isn't easy, okay?"

America raised one eyebrow. "Iggy, are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" England glared at him. "Stop rushing me!"

"Um..." Canada looked awkwardly at his former caretakers. "If it's alright with you, can I please leave? I have to get back home tonight and if I don't leave now, I'll miss my flight -"

"Shut up would you?" England snapped.

Canada stopped talking and lowered his eyes to the floor.

"He means sit quietly until he gathers the courage to tell you that he will be giving you the talk," France interjected.

England's expression darkened with rage. "You bloody Frog!" he howled. "I was going to say that! And what do you mean _he?! _We're _both _doing it!"

Canada's stared at them with wide, horrified eyes.

"The talk?" America frowned, looking confused. "It took you that long to tell us that you wanted to talk to us?"

"No America," Canada hissed. "He means _the talk."_

"...Yeah, okay." America stared, blankly. "He wants to talk. So what?"

Canada squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head slightly.

"You brat!" England spat, glaring at America. "Stop making this harder that it is - dammit frog!" He whirled on France. "Stop laughing and help me!"

France chuckled. "Ah...but it is so much more fun to simply observe!"

"It was your idea, dammit!"

Canada shot them a desperate look. "Can I please go -?"

"No!" England forced himself to calm down. "Look, lets just get this over with, okay?!"

America snorted. "Weirdos," he muttered.

Ignoring him, England twiddled with his thumbs. "Okay," he said, after a brief pause. "Let's see...er..." He picked up the glass and swallowed another gulp of water. "You see...when a man and a women love each other very much -"

Canada winced. "Oh god."

"Anyway yes - when a man and a women...or a man and a man I suppose - or even a women and a women, although that doesn't really apply to you -"

"Please stop talking," Canada whispered.

"Oh Angleterre," France sighed. "Get to the good parts, will you? You are stalling!"

"Shut up Frog!" England snapped. "If you're such an expert then _you _do it!"

"No!" Canada looked horrified. "Please Papa, don't do it! This isn't necessary - we know what you're trying to say -"

"Yeah!" America nodded his head, looking eager. "I mean, we're a little old for fairy tales, aren't we?"

There was an awkward pause.

"What?" England looked bewildered.

"Yeah!" America grinned at him. "I mean, what, is this some new story you wrote or something?"

France coughed. "Is he serious?" he muttered.

Canada blushed. "America," he muttered. "England isn't telling us a story..."

"Well of course he is," America argued. "What else could it be?"

England and France exchanged disbelieving glances.

"Amerique," France said, slowly. "Angleterre is giving you the talk."

"Again with talking?!" America flung his arms in the air in a gesture of frustration. "I get it, we're talking! But if it's not a story then _what is it?!"_

England smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Oh dear lord," he muttered under his breath.

"Okay you know what?" Canada stood up, a firm expression on his face. "I know what you're trying to say - how about I leave and you keep talking to America?"

"Sit down, Canada," England snapped.

Canada sat down, slowly.

"Ahh," France sighed, sounding slightly irritated. "Why don't I take over, hmm? This seems to be getting slightly off track."

"I still don't know what you're talking about!" America complained.

France shot him a placating glance. "Yes well," he said. "You'll understand in a moment. You see - when a man and women love each other very much -"

"Oh, not this again," America groaned.

_"When a man and women love each other very much." _France shot America a brief glare. "They like to express it. Physically."

"Oh god," Canada moaned, burying his head in his hands. "Why me?"

"This story sucks," America complained. "Will there be any dragons?"

France took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, his fists clenched tightly in his lap.

"France? Dude? Dragons - Yes or no?"

France leapt up in his seat, his expression wild. "There will be a dick!" he howled. "Is that good enough for you?!"

"...Aww dude, really?" America's shoulders slumped. "I hate dicks!"

Forcing himself not to shout, France sighed loudly. "Okay then," he muttered. "If you don't swing that way, I'll direct this to your preferences -"

"I mean," America interrupted. "They just frustrate me, you know? It's not just in stories - people who are major dicks just get on my nerves, even in real life."

There was a moment of silence.

"Ahh, alright then." France said, at last. "So there is still the chance that you may be gay."

America cocked his head to the side. "You mean happy?"

"He means _homosexual!" _

Everyone turned to stare at England.

Canada sank into his chair, looking utterly miserable. "Can I just leave?" he pleaded.

America on the other hand looked thrilled. "Dude, awesome!" he exclaimed. "Can we have one in the story?"

_"There is no story!"_

Canada shot England a pleading glance. "Seriously -"

"Would you both shut the bloody hell up?!" England howled. Both America and Canada quietened down.

"Look," he sighed. "What we're trying to say is, when two people love each other very much, they have -"

"Dude, can I be in the story?" America interrupted.

England closed his eyes and forced himself not to explode.

"Stop interrupting," he ground out.

"Oh for godsake," France muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Alright then - both of you shut the _bloody hell up _and let me get this out." England shot the two nations in front of him a warning glare. When neither made any move to interrupt, he continued to speak.

"When two people love each other, they do it. There, is that good enough for you? Will you actually listen now?!"

"...Do it?" America stared at him, blankly. "Do what?"

England slammed his head against the table.

"I understand," Canada said, in near desperation. "Can I please leave now? _Please?"_

"Oh God, Angleterre!" France groaned. "Just ignore them and keep talking!"

"You talk!" England snapped at him.

"Fine! God, to think I actually thought this would be fun..." With a glare towards the other nation's direction, France turned his attention to the twins. "Yes well," he said. "There are many ways of expressing your love to your partner -"

"So, who's my partner?"

France's eye twitched slightly. "What?" he asked America.

"Well..." America shrugged his shoulders. "You said I need to express my love for my partner. So who is he? Or she..."

"I don't know," France sighed. "Are you seeing anyone at the moment?"

America nodded his head. "Dude yes, I'm seeing you."

France blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"I'm seeing you!" America shot him a bright smile. "You, and Canada, and England...and this room..."

"...You know what, forget I ever asked," France muttered.

"Just hurry up and finish this, Frog," England ordered.

"Well." France stared blankly for a few moments. "...You can express your love by -"

" - Showing them your wicked-ass guns?"

France inhaled deeply. "Yes," he growled. "Not in the way you are thinking of, but yes!"

"This is _so _stupid," Canada grumbled.

"I agree," England piped up. "Who votes we get rid of America and _then _continue this?"

"How about we get rid of _Canada?" _Canada suggested.

"Oh for gods -" France shook his head and turned to face England. "Angleterre, your turn," he told him.

"Why do I need to try?" England demanded. "You just said it!"

"He didn't understand!" France shot him a frustrated look. "Come on, hurry up!"

"Fine!" England thought for a moment. "Er...what he said. And use protection."

"Huh?" America blinked in confusion. "...What did he say? I don't get it."

"Oh for gods -" England took a deep breath. "Just take your dick and _shove it -"_

America cut him off, his eyes wide in shock. "Wait, my _dick?! _You mean...down..._there?" _He pointed downwards, his eyes growing even wider as he did.

"Yes!" Relief was evident on England's face

"...Dude, how does this have anything to do with impressing my friends?"

"...You aren't trying to impress your friends!" England looked moments away from strangling America. France looked on in frustration, while Canada sunk further into his seat.

"Well," America replied, sounding confused, "you said show affection to my partner - I'm guessing my partner would be my friend -"

"No! Your partner is the person you _SHOVE YOUR DICK INTO!"_

There was an awkward pause.

"I hate my life," Canada moaned.

"Dude," America interrupted. "Is that some kind of weird battle move?"

England slammed his head onto the table again.

"I give up," he moaned. "Frog - do you want to finish this?"

"God no," France responded.

Canada sat up, looking hopeful. "Does this mean I can leave?"

America looked between France and England, looking bewildered. "Dude, seriously, what was the point of this?" he complained.

Ignoring him, England sat up and hurriedly made his way to the door. France followed soon behind.

"Okay well, I'll see you later," he said, as he reached for the door knob. "...Oh and by the way," he added, hurriedly. "Whenever you decide to...yes...wear protection."

America's eyes widened.

"So it _is _a battle move!"

**...**

**AN:**

**Okay, random I know, but I love writing little humorous one-shots in between my longer fics. BTW, those of you who are fans of my fic "Secrets Are Meant To Be Broken", I'll be updating that soon!**

**Tell me what you think of this fic!**


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